I suggest that a predator-proof fence should be put up around Castle Street and the area be declared a student wildlife reserve. This will keep out identified pests such as police, fire and other emergency services. Inside that area students will be allowed to party and burn sofas to their hearts’ content. Safari vans with specialist guides will be available to drive visiting tourists through the enclosure for their amusement and safety, at a fee. It worked for Hashbury, it can work for Castle Street. Perhaps it could underwrite the new Carisbrook development.

Best line: “People are different today. Ten years ago, if a policeman told them to move along they would.” Yeah, right! Sorry, inspector but you seem to have forgotten the Easter Tournament riot on Castle Street in 1999 very quickly!